The body in nature

A bouquet of forest in my soul

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The winter is long, and I feel sad and tired some days. Insomnia is my most intimate partner right now and I have difficulty embracing it. Morning brings light and hope, even if I feel rough. Drawing is my meditation, and settling in at my desk in the early hours to draw, even for a few minutes before leaving for work is as much an act of observance as is it a choice.

I trace my body in the forest, again, ten years ago, before I gained all that extra weight. Even if the shape of me then is pleasing to my eye now, I imagine faults in my character as I trace myself. The mean voice is never far away. There is always something wrong with me.

It’s the leaves that bring me peace, their subtle life force, the burst of a thousand different greens. The affirmation of the forest that growth and renewal are always possible. That what is firmly rooted in the earth will always allow something beautiful to spring forth.

Leaves. Beautiful, gentle, tender sprouts of simplicity… I trace another one, and another, and suddenly the tears well up and my breathing is laboured. I don’t cry easily, it scares me, overwhelms me, but I try to let it be, to let the emotion flow through me and let the tears fall, even if they’re ruining my eye make-up and I have to go to work soon.

I feel sad for all the difficulties in my life, in everyone’s lives. I feel the weight of the struggles in the world. I am touching my brokeness and the vulnerability I feel that makes me strive to be perfect, to show my worth to someone, anyone, everyone, to convince them, and eventually, hopefully myself, that I really do deserve to be loved. Convinced that I have to earn it. I am crying for all the pain I’ve felt and that I know so many other people feel when hating myself has been easier than finding what’s lovable in me. For all the years and opportunities lost in self-sabotage. For all the darkness I’ve fed rather than turning towards life for light.

Thank you forest, thank you leaves. Thank you my body for still being there with me no matter how nasty I have been to you. Today I will carry a bouquet of gratefulness and soft green leaves in my soul and remind myself that Spring always, always follows the Winter.

 

Go play outside!

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We all heard that from our parents as kids. I said it to my own kids, often! Today was a nasty mid-winter day, grey, dreary,  and rainy with some ice pellets, messing up the piles of snow everywhere. We’re all tired of winter but it’s far from over. It was a good day to stay in and draw, all day. I went back to my “cottage” photo shoot and chose another image to draw from; this one, because I thought I looked like a carefree child playing in the leaves and trees. Not my typical state of mind, sadly.

I traced the silhouette as well as some of the leaves and branches, then started shading the various tones of light and dark on the body. This is generally a peaceful practice, as it stops me from thinking about all the things I would otherwise worry about.

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I didn’t hate my body at all while drawing this. It seemed so innocent to see the body surrounded by nature, and the usual judgements did not come up. You can’t tell my age or my mood in the drawing, they don’t matter. Really, I’m just a medium-sized female animal in the woods :). My weight, fitness level, complexion and opinion of my thighs don’t matter out here in the forest. I can be as I am. It helps put things in perspective.

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Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

 

Nature, body… beauty

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Drawing this was a peaceful moment for me. That’s me, naked in the woods, at my lover’s parents’ cottage. I asked him to photograph me outside, in nature, to help me work on my negative body image. He was wonderfully supportive and willing to come along, even if he had never seen anything wrong with my body! After the initial discomfort and self-consciousness, I began to enjoy the feeling of the sun and the air on my skin, touching the branches of the trees and sitting in the leaves and on the grass.

As I traced and highlighted this image from the photo I had to ask myself… what could be more natural than a human being, unclothed, “un-made-up” and unaccessorized, in nature? And how could I possibly be so uncomfortable with this healthy body that allows me to experience life in this way?